Sigh.

Life has changed. Yesterday afternoon, I noticed that my gecko was acting funny and I fought long and hard with myself about what to do, in the end, with the vet's advice I had her put down. It appears she had a lump on her liver with a build up of toxins in her system and possible renal failure.

I'm still a little in shock. Reptiles seem fine for so long and then when they deteriorate they do so rapidly. This time last week she was seemingly fine, then all of a sudden, in the space of a week actually, she lost loads of weight, seemed really dehydrated and yesterday she stopped using her back legs properly.

That's two pets I've lost in the space of 7 months. I said to my bf last week that I don't want to have anymore pets. He asked why and my answer is simple, because they die. I still have Jeremy, but I'm scared of losing him too. I also kind of feel like I don't deserve to look after another creature... I know that's grief talking, but it's how I feel. Like shit basically.

Her tank is sitting empty in my room, when I bump into it accidentally I automatically say 'Oh, Sorry Cheeks' only to realise she's not there. I still find myself glancing toward it, looking for where she's hiding, but she's not there.

I buried her this morning in my mum's garden. I feel bad. Really bad. Mostly I feel bad that life goes on for me. I have loads of plans in the immediate future and I feel bad that I'm going to be having fun when she must have been in so much pain... and for how long? I'll never know.

At least she's at rest now.